Please keep in my mind that I have a very COMPLICATED health life. My illness deems to be rare and quite mysterious. I don’t have a clear diagnoses…yet. Vision problems is 1 one of many issues I’ve had in the past 6 years. Also, I apologize for any improper use of punctuation…I suck at punctuation, mostly comma’s. Thanks for reading in advance!
I have experienced a vast array of symptoms and afflictions with my rare (mystery) illness; one of them being blindness. I remember waking from a spell, confused and in pain,
I thought my eyes were still closed..
but to my dismay and extreme shock, they weren’t. I went into a complete panic. I was all alone with memory loss and no sight, I called for help but even my voice was betraying me and movement was not an option, where would I go, how would I know where to step, I was trapped. Though my failed cries didn’t actually reach anyone, my dad stepped into the room and with a calm and befuddled tone, asked what was wrong; my voice decided to join me once again.
“I c-can’t see! I CAN’T SEE, DAD!”
His voice stayed calm.
“What, Rachel? What’s happening? You can’t see?”
His calm voice almost irritated me.
“Dark…why is it so dark!?”
I cannot describe to you the immense fear–so much fear, I couldn’t even reason with myself or contemplate of what being blind even meant.
My dad proceeded to hold me and tell me to be calm (Seriously?) He propped me up and told me we needed to go to hospital, I hugged his arm and stood up with trepidation. By the time that I had stood, i had already adopted my nose as my aid.
“We-we’re in Nana’s house?”
It didn’t take much of a sniff to figure out that, that clean laundry and vacuum smell was UN doubly the familiar grandparents; a pleasant and relaxing smell.
“Yes.” he answered just as calmly as every minute to have passed “We are here for 4th of July.”
Oh No. I was immediately distraught with guilt, I ruined the 4th of July if not for my grandparents and other family then most definitely my dad.
My poor dad, lemme take a second to just thank him for every second he has spared for me (Nearly 6 years this day he has been sacrificing for me); My father is truly a blessing and there will never be anything that is satisfactory enough to repay him with.
We did go to the hospital but much of it is a bit of a blur (I’m sorry) but I do remember this-I became very dependent upon my other senses, mainly upon my hands and nose (hearing only did so much for me) I was completely depressed because of my sight, you see, drawing and art in general was my getaway, my relief, my safe place; A pencil and paper was/is my ultimate way of expressing my inner feelings even when I wasn’t sure how I felt, my pencil would show me; now that I was engulfed in darkness I could not see my feelings nor could I hide from them by drawing and then throwing them away.
Truly,I felt as if I had nothing. I saw nothing so I became nothing. Everything became…nothing.
If you had seen me I’m sure I would have looked like a shell of complete hopelessness. My family didn’t give up on me like I did on myself, they never have. Since I was dependent on my hands before blindness I was obviously desperate to have something my hand. I asked my dad if he would get me something and of course he didn’t disappoint; playdoh (doh-doh-doh) and two squishy toys (Which I still have to this day)
Strange, is what I thought as I kneaded the dough with every part of my hand, it felt different than it has felt in the past-it felt like a whole new substance but my mind still recognized as my old childhood favorite, even the smell seemed more pungent and more specific.
Soft and a bit grainy. Salty like an ocean smell but…more seaweed.
I was surprised and intrigued at my new powers (Haha) I wanted to touch and smell more! From then on I paid more attention to my surroundings and also gained a new perspective on what I use to see and my (and others) thought process.
You can indeed tell a lot from a person’s appearance and sometimes you’re just being petty but since I couldn’t see…well a person’s appearance didn’t matter anymore including myself. Beauty truly is a social thing, trust me. Beauty for me even now is something different- the sound of the wind glazing through wind chimes,the smell of freshly baked sweets,the soft embrace of a hand on mine,the sound of my cat purring softly next to me,the laughs of my family and friends even my own tears running down my face is something that is beautiful because beauty isn’t what you see it’s what you feel, it’s what you treasure. Beauty is being alive. Though some may disagree that life is hardly life if unhappy but someday you may come to realize that there are so many things to be merry about! (Yes I really used the word ‘merry’)
I was still very much afraid and depressed; I wanted my sight back more than anything but I didn’t want it to hold me back from my (very full) life ahead of me. I may fake a smile but I never fake a laugh and I would never say I never experience happiness, it’s hard sometimes to work up happiness with my dismal illness that remains to be seen as rare and ever so mysterious but-
I am happy and very loved.
My vision did come back! Yay! I did have it once more but so far that was the last and hopefully it will remain to be the last for eternity! LONGER THAN ETERNITY, EVEN! It was indeed one of the most frightening moments of my life. I still fear the dark even though it’s not quite the same, yet the reason I fear it so much is because I know light but I also know the seaweed wreaking,soft-grainy extraordinary feeling- of playdoh.
Stay smelly :)