Hand hugs

I Fear the Dark-The Day I became Blind

 

Beautiful eye Sketch by HG

Beautiful eye Sketch

 

Please keep in my mind that I have a very COMPLICATED health life. My illness deems to be rare and quite mysterious. I don’t have a clear diagnoses…yet. Vision problems is 1 one of many issues I’ve had in the past 6 years. Also, I apologize for any improper use of punctuation…I suck at punctuation, mostly comma’s. Thanks for reading in advance!

I have experienced a vast array of symptoms and afflictions with my rare (mystery) illness; one of them being blindness. I remember waking from a spell, confused and in pain,

I thought my eyes were still closed..

but to my dismay and extreme shock, they weren’t. I went into a complete panic. I was all alone with memory loss and no sight, I called for help but even my voice was betraying me and movement was not an option, where would I go, how would I know where to step, I was trapped. Though my failed cries didn’t actually reach anyone, my dad stepped into the room and with a calm and befuddled tone, asked what was wrong; my voice decided to join me once again.

“I c-can’t see! I CAN’T SEE, DAD!”

His voice stayed calm.

“What, Rachel? What’s happening? You can’t see?”

His calm voice almost irritated me.

“Dark…why is it so dark!?”

I cannot describe to you the immense fear–so much fear, I couldn’t even reason with myself or contemplate of what being blind even meant.

My dad proceeded to hold me and tell me to be calm (Seriously?) He propped me up and told me we needed to go to hospital, I hugged his arm and stood up with trepidation. By the time that I had stood, i had already adopted my nose as my aid.

“We-we’re in Nana’s house?”

It didn’t take much of a sniff to figure out that, that clean laundry and vacuum smell was UN doubly the familiar grandparents; a pleasant and relaxing smell.

“Yes.” he answered just as calmly as every minute to have passed “We are here for 4th of July.”

Oh No. I was immediately distraught with guilt, I ruined the 4th of July if not for my grandparents and other family then most definitely my dad.

My poor dad, lemme take a second to just thank him for every second he has spared for me (Nearly 6 years this day he has been sacrificing for me); My father is truly a blessing and there will never be anything that is satisfactory enough to repay him with.

 

My dad and I...so very long ago

My dad and I…so very long ago

We did go to the hospital but much of it is a bit of a blur (I’m sorry) but I do remember this-I became very dependent upon my other senses, mainly upon my hands and nose (hearing only did so much for me) I was completely depressed because of my sight, you see, drawing and art in general was my getaway, my relief, my safe place; A pencil and paper was/is my ultimate way of expressing my inner feelings even when I wasn’t sure how I felt, my pencil would show me; now that I was engulfed in darkness I could not see my feelings nor could I hide from them by drawing and then throwing them away.

Truly,I felt as if I had nothing. I saw nothing so I became nothing. Everything became…nothing.

If you had seen me I’m sure I would have looked like a shell of complete hopelessness. My family didn’t give up on me like I did on myself, they never have. Since I was dependent on my hands before blindness I was obviously desperate to have something my hand. I asked my dad if he would get me something and of course he didn’t disappoint; playdoh (doh-doh-doh) and two squishy toys (Which I still have to this day)

Strange, is what I thought as I kneaded the dough with every part of my hand, it felt different than it has felt in the past-it felt like a whole new substance but my mind still recognized as my old childhood favorite, even the smell seemed more pungent and more specific.

Soft and a bit grainy. Salty like an ocean smell but…more seaweed.

I was surprised and intrigued at my new powers (Haha) I wanted to touch and smell more! From then on I paid more attention to my surroundings and also gained a new perspective on what I use to see and my (and others) thought process.

You can indeed tell a lot from a person’s appearance and sometimes you’re just being petty but since I couldn’t see…well a person’s appearance didn’t matter anymore including myself. Beauty truly is a social thing, trust me. Beauty for me even now is something different- the sound of the wind glazing through wind chimes,the smell of freshly baked sweets,the soft embrace of a hand on mine,the sound of my cat purring softly next to me,the laughs of my family and friends even my own tears running down my face is something that is beautiful because beauty isn’t what you see it’s what you feel, it’s what you treasure. Beauty is being alive. Though some may disagree that life is hardly life if unhappy but someday you may come to realize that there are so many things to be merry about! (Yes I really used the word ‘merry’)

Hand hugs

Hand hugs

I was still very much afraid and depressed; I wanted my sight back more than anything but I didn’t want it to hold me back from my (very full) life ahead of me. I may fake a smile but I never fake a laugh and I would never say I never experience happiness, it’s hard sometimes to work up happiness with my dismal illness that remains to be seen as rare and ever so mysterious but-

I am happy and very loved.

My vision did come back! Yay! I did have it once more but so far that was the last and hopefully it will remain to be the last for eternity! LONGER THAN ETERNITY, EVEN! It was indeed one of the most frightening moments of my life. I still fear the dark even though it’s not quite the same, yet the reason I fear it so much is because I know light but I also know the seaweed wreaking,soft-grainy extraordinary feeling- of playdoh.

Stay smelly :)

 

 

 

Ready to begin Life-Fukanou.

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Hello once again my Ladies and Gentlemen; I am now 19 and still living leisurely. 6 years now I have been living this way.

What way?

Boringly.

I’m ready to begin my life; I’m ready to go to college and be frustrated because exams are coming up and I’m too hung over from the last exam, to study.

Yup. Sounds good.

Lazy

But I’m still sitting in my room, contemplating my existence. Playing video games, drawing, watching anime and anything I can manage to do with what energy I have. The problem isn’t so much energy as, I’m so bored and depressed, I don’t feel like doing anything! For 6 years, everyone has been envious of my leisurely living.

“Like, OMG! You’re so~ lucky that you don’t have to go to school~ It’s so~ Bo~ring~~~~” (That was teen talk.)

It’s not so boring when you’re just sitting around all day with a headache. Yeah.

But now, I am officially tired of living this way. I’m ready! I honestly don’t care anymore about my health, I want to experience it all! I want to be able to work hard! Sometimes I wish someone would just come along and say: “Congratulations, I want you to work for me! We will provide housing and set up a schedule that fits your health! YAY!”

 Haha-ha…ha.. *Cries*

Sad? I know.. I like to dream too, man.

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Even though I’m ready to begin life, I’m actually not to sure about what I would do. I’ve been living the same way and haven’t really put much thought into it; I always say: “It’s my life, let me do what I want!” but if someone were to actually say: “Okay, what is it you want to do?” I don’t think I could answer. I just kind of want to wing it, you know? Just go out there and be! But I know it doesn’t work that way.. (Waitin’ on the Free job guy. Haha.) Iespecially would really like to be able to live on my own, not that I don’t love my parents but I have been so dependent and spoiled by them- I don’t know, I suppose it’s just a growing up thing.

I don’t want to live another 2 years dependent on my parents and holding myself back.

But….

Fukanou, which means Impossible or can’t (Yay Japanese lessons!) which sums up my life, at least it does in my mind. The thing with me is, if I can’t do it at its fullest then I can’t do it at all (One of my many flaws). I’m a very ambitious person, as well; I have big dreams! I want to do something absolutely amazing and I want to do it all whilst traveling. Talk about ambitious. But.. (again)

download  Traveling..

2010-03-27-261049  Fukanou.

download  Amazing..

2010-03-27-261049  Fukanou.

download  Job..

2010-03-27-261049  Fukanou.

download  University..

2010-03-27-261049  Fukanou.

angry-cat-photo  Patience..

angrykuroko   Fukanou.

Alone thinking

Yup. Ready but Fukanou. Where are you, guy-with -awesome-job-and-free-housing!? I need you right now, man!

*Sigh* Life is hard, man.

Getting tired of your shit, Brain.

hello

Once again I’m having to update several months all at once because I can’t keep up with this blog >.< Well where to start..

I just recently had a birthday and turned 19 :) Can you believe that? It was a pretty good birthday.. I suppose I was a bit disappointed.. My dad and 2 brothers went off camping on the weekend of my birthday which made me a bit sad; it was just my mum and I and my mum didn’t really feel like doing anything so I just sat around. I must admit I was excited waking up in the morning as a 19-year-old, I had so many things I wanted to do that day, maybe go shopping and eat out and spend time with my family. I sat staring at my computer screen for several hours expecting something to happen. It sounds a bit selfish and silly, since I’m only turning 19..it’s not like turning 16 or 21. For me, though, a birthday is the one time of year where I get to do stuff I want to do and be social with my family. Be out and about and reminisce with family. My dad didn’t get home till fairly late, we ate cake and opened presents (I got an S4 and my Dad’s High school Letterman ^-^ ) after, we watched a movie (Which was less interesting as my new toy) then I went to bed. See where I’m getting at? I love my family and all I want to do is be with them that 1 time. Selfish but understandable, right?

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A few of my birthday presents not including my Jacket and Phone. I love Hello Kitty if you couldn’t tell..

NEXT! Moving on, I had a ‘seizure’ much before my birthday and have..well, have had an alteration in pronunciation (Haha.. rhyming) To put it in more simple terms,

 I sound like an Australian.

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Yes,Yes, I realize in many ways in your perspective, it’s super awesome but for me, at first, it wasn’t. I couldn’t speak at all when I first awoke from the episode, which I’ve dealt with before so it was kind of like “Alright brain, we’ve done this already. It’s getting a bit boring.” So basically..Gettin’ tired of my brain’s shit. But I wasn’t about to challenge a brain that seems to have plans of it’s own…which are certainly not mine (@_@) So I dealt with it fine..it was the next morning that my brain said “Challenge Accepted.” and as soon as I opened my mouth to say Good morning to my Cat (Don’t judge me) …instead of a Southern “Mornin’ Kitten.” it came out “Mournin Kintin??…..Whut…WHUT!?” (You get my gist) I had to look around my room and check in the mirror to make sure I didn’t body switch with an Aussie! I didn’t speak to my dad all morning because I was afraid of how ridiculous it was >.< What would I say!? How would he react!? Because let’s face it..it’s extremely ridiculous! But I did tell him after an hour a talking to myself and contemplating possible outcomes. It turned out okay and I got over the depression of my new alterations and embraced them… by telling people I’m from Melbourne, Australia. HAHA! Yes, I really do that but only when people ask me if I’m from the states because I clearly do not sound like it. I did try explaining it once to a store worker about my health and how it came to be but…yeah it didn’t go well at all haha So I decided from then on to be from Australia :P It’s all good fun.

NEXT!

I’m so friggin lonely! Haha You have to understand that I don’t get out. Like, at all. Sad but true :/ Another reason why I feel about my birthday the way I do. Here’s my average day that I’ve been having for about 3 years..

  • Wake up at noon
  • Contemplate actually putting on real clothes and makeup
  • Don’t put on either
  • Computer time!
  • Facebook
  • Games for 1 hour
  • Facebook
  • Netflix
  • Maybe eat
  • Facebook
  • More Netflix
  • Maybe some drawing
  • Only 3pm
  • Stare at ceiling for 30min to an hour and wonder why I’m still living.
  • Pull myself out of depression
  • Dinner Time
  • Shower Time
  • Maybe a movie with Dad
  • Got to bed at 9pm
  • Repeat

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Now I might go out to the movies or errands with my dad and recently I’ve been hanging with a friend (But that’s run it’s course for reasons I will not share) and an Occasional trip to Dallas for Dr’s (-_-)

Understand this. I am a 19-yr-old Girl with no friends, boyfriend or even enemies.. Soooo, no social life. Chance of Cabin fever setting in randomly at 85% and 100% chance of depression. Have a wonderful day, Liz.

Enough with that short rant heh Thanksgiving is coming up so I’ll be around plenty of Family members to lower my chance of Cabin fever :P

In case I don’t come back before or on Thanksgiving..

Happy Thanksgiving,Everyone!

funny-turkey-Santa-Claus-fight-holiday

Gobble ,Gobble!

September, September, I’ll always remember.

Mind and Body

My DadSo I went shopping today with my mum, it was fun..We went to eat and I met an old friend who was telling me  how she was going to a University. I was excited for her! She had grown so beautifully ( I almost didn’t recognize her) but I couldn’t help but feel a knot in my chest when she asked where I was going.. This isn’t the first time I’ve been asked and I just look at them for a moment, my heart feeling like it’s coming up my throat and replying “Just the local College..Nothing Special. Ha ha..ha” I am going to my local College (maybe) this fall to take a few classes..’Nothing Special’ Don’t get me wrong I’m happy I’ll at Natalie and Ileast be able to do a little..but ((Nothing Special))

Gardasil Vaccine

MeSeptember 9th 2008, I will always remember this day. The day I was walking down that hallway, clinging to the walls as the hall spun rapidly and When I saw my friend and clung to her and faded out; waking up to a bright light, 100% sure I was dead and then seeing my mothers face, I remember thinking “How cruel you are God.” The 1st day and beginning of a long, Dim and narrow path. “It won’t last for more than 6 months.” ((5 years)) an arrogant doctor said this and I remember thinking how long that was to deal with what was happening, who would have guessed..Certainly not I ((How cruel you are God)). It seems like a blur and at the On the egdesame time I see it so vividly, Being Blind,Deaf,Losing my sensation,being in that wheelchair,My first feeling of Hopelessness and Abnormality ((Miracle is Dead)); So much I missed.. So much I can’t get back..So much I’ve learned..So much I’ve hurt..So never ending ((How cruel))

Here I am, a young adult, still clinging to that day. Couldn’t go to School, regularly, Couldn’t fulfill my dream of Japan, Couldn’t be with friends, Couldn’t be normal ((So Cruel))  I have learned many things ((Survival)) and I’ve grown up. Yet, here I am, still in pain and unable to do many things ((Nothing Special)) I’m trying to move on but I keep depending on my Family, I love my family and I know they love me and would do anything for me but I can’t shake my natural want to be Independent and be normal Young adult, going to a University and pursuing an (expensive) dream ((Nothing Special))

HospitalI don’t give up easily, it’s not in my personality. I’ll do what I can and I’m sure I will get there eventually. Even if I have to deal with ‘this’ for the rest of my life, I always find a way to be as happy as I can possibly be. There are those small things that make me happy.. like seeing an old friend succeeding. ((Special))

September, September, I’ll always remember.. 2013-07-16_00-50-04_562

Prom,Graduation and Everything else!

 

Fancy Shark

FRIK, I can’t believe I haven’t posted! I have commitment issues when it comes to this blog XD Okay, so let me just let you know I did lose memory July 4; from May 17 to July 5 (>_<) So graduation is still intact but after that I don’t remember half my summer..@#$%! hahaha ha ha..yeah Anyway! We will start with Prom..

Did She go? Yes she did :P and I kind of regret it..actually but at the same time, I’m glad I went. I had a lot of fun, I only went to the Dinner and that was enough XD I was a little depressed that I didn’t make it for Group pictures..yeah that really Sucked! And I started to get more depressed because I had no Date..BUT My friend Anthony made me his date (^_^) Which made me happy and kind of mad.. Like are you pitying me!? But more Happiness than anger haha! So I would feel safe to say, I was the life of the party FOR THE GIRLS! You know how girls are..real shy So I got them out there and DANCED! Dude, I danced through the whole friggin party! I was SO surprised that I didn’t pass out or my head was only a 5 (^_^) It was AWESOME! I left extremely tired and pretty much slept for 2 days :P haha! I was in a lot of pain too (The parts I could feel XD) My Conclusion: It was fun! I semi regret going (For whatever reason) :)

(Sorry I don’t have any pictures :/ )

OKEY! Graduation (^_^) Supa Happi Fun Time!

Graduation..There were tears mostly from me XD There’s not really much to say..haha Well, I go to a small school so it was only like 45 min long XD I did make a speech; I originally wanted to do something SUPER CRAZY to make it memorable but I’m too shy and no one wanted to do it with me..plus I think they would deny my Diploma haha! Here is my Speech.. I did Improvise, because I wanted to look at all the people especially my Dad but I kept crying X’D

“Graduation is here and I just want to thank everyone for being there with me all this time! It’s been very hard these past 5 years, I’ve struggled and Fought my way here, and I’m proud for this momentous achievement! I couldn’t have done it without any of you! Truly, you are all so important to me! And even though I don’t know what the future will hold for me, I still look forward to it, knowing I have good friends and Family! Everyday for 5 years I have dreaded from evening to the sun rising in the morning.. What will happen tomorrow? What if I don’t wake up? What if I wake up not knowing who I am? Is it worth living like this at all? These, sadly are Questions I ask myself daily; But it’s the days when I spend time with my friends at Agape or Family on the weekends, that for a moment I can Forget how much life sucks and just laugh and goof off…For those few hours that seem to go by much to quickly, I am a normal Girl having fun with her friends! I love how when I come to school,though rare, everyone is so inviting and kind to me as if I’ve been there the whole time  All of you are so Important and precious to me, you have no idea. I love all of you and hope we will be even closer these coming years. I’m totally Crying right now :’) I wish I could have tagged everyone but I couldn’t XD So to everyone else as well!” (From FB)

(Wait no pictures here either >.> OH Wait! I have senior Pictures :P)

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My Favs..I didn’t take very good Pictures because I wasn’t taking it seriously XD As u can tell

 

OKEY! Now everything else! (That I remember)

So, It’s only been a month since I lost memory.. July 4 (Seems to be consistent date to have a bad episode..) I went with friends and swam and partied, then went for fireworks, THEN went back to a friends place and SHOT fireworks haha! No wonder I had an episode.. I didn’t lose any sight loss or anything just memory :) Which in my opinion, is a very good thing. I’ve kind of just accepted it and moving on. I am a little depressed for various reasons.. Reason #1 Most of my friends graduated and are going to Universities or College..I cannot. Reason #2 It’s getting close to September (-__-) (September 9 Is the day I had my first..’episode’) Reason#3 Friggin Headache is still friggin here! Reason#4 My mom’s cat died !@#$%! Reason#5 I’m poor and Can’t buy my brother a game or anybody else presents (-__-) Reason#–Okay, I could go all day with this so I’m gonna stop.  Alright enough with that, moving on! I died my hair red (^_^) I like it a lot! I’ll make a review for the product I used (I dyed it myself) Umm OH, I am Bi-polar !@#$% Just another thing on the pile.. I’m not that secretive about it but I guess I should be..I just don’t care ha ha ha.. K Umm What else? OH! I’m really getting into this girl fashion! HAHA! So I’ve been wearing my brothers clothes and I went shopping (We recently got a Rue21) and got THE cutest clothes for so little money! I saw lots of girly girl stuff but the edgy stuff appealed to me most :P I got lots of skinny jeans and some shirts and a pair of Casual Combat  boots! (^__^) One happy Chick right here! haha!

PICTURE ATTACK!!!

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That’s about it! I’ll TRY and post more! Sorry this was so sloppy.. To keep this Interesting (For me and you) What do you want to know/ me to post?

NAILS NAILS NAILS!

I just love painting my nails! And I’m going to share with you some easy and extremely cute nail designs! :)

Small polka Dot nails

Small polka Dot Nails

One of the easiest nail designs to do!

First put on a clear coat (to protect your nails from staining)

Next paint your choice Base color (In the pic it’s Black)

Drying Drying Drying

Now with a Dotting Tool, add some dots! (In this case white)

Drying Drying Drying

Add a Top coat to protect your design and add a glorious shine…Your Done! (●⌒∇⌒●)

If you want Big Dots (or don’t want to buy a Dotting tool) Use a Cue tip! Take all the fluff off to reveal the end (Make sure it’s not the hollow kind) and do the same as with a dotting tool :) (I did this for a long time)

Multi color nails

Multi color Nails

This is also very easy!

Naturally start with a clear coat (to protect your nails)

Then paint whatever color for your base (In the pic it’s orange)

Drying Drying Drying

Now take a Make-up sponge and paint on the wide bottom the 2nd color you want (in this case red) and sponge it on the top of your nail..

Drying Drying Drying

Now add a Top coat to protect your design and add a shine and your done! (●⌒∇⌒●)

Prom is a No-Go??

Well, I’ve been kind of depressed lately, I can’t really tell you why other than that..I just have depression (>.>) I go Prom shopping tomorrow, which I have been eager about but for some reason (Depression) I have lost interest almost completely in Prom; I have also lost interest in other things like Gaming, and I even had to muster up for writing this post. My dad and I talked about Prom and he knew that I wasn’t interested in it anymore, Of course there’s another reason for not being interested..(1) We are eating at the same place as last year, which is fine, but I just thought it was boring to do the same thing. (2) After Dinner and Dancing, we are going to this Cosmic Jump place (@_@) When Natalie told me where/what we were going/doing, I was just like

“Oh..”

She was like

“It’ll be fun!”

(Yeah maybe for you).

So let me elaborate on what it is, exactly, It’s some place with a bunch trampolines and you jump around all day..Does that sound fun to you? I mean maybe for Young Children but not for 16-18 yr olds…at least not to me anyway. Don’t get me wrong, it may be fun for them :) But for someone like me, who lacks stamina and can barely make her bed without taking a 5min break…not so much..as well as it is childish.. Anyway, I almost certainly won’t attend the Cosmic Jump (Cuz I’m a sourpuss) I hardly want to attend any of it but I figure I will regret it if I don’t and Natalie will most likely be P.Oed if I don’t..So I will grace her with my presence..subtly :P I did invite my brother as the place we are dining at is like a fancy Texas Day Brazil (Which he adores) :) Hopefully I will get over this dejection I’m having.

Cosmic Jump

Cosmic Jump

In other news, I finally got my new medication for my headaches :D Hopefully this will work out! I also sent out my Graduation Invites and have been looking at Class rings; I’m thinking something classic! I’ve also started drawing again, but I’m presently Color Blind :( So I can’t Color any of them, but I’m really just sketching them out (not even outlining) lawl. Here are some sketches..and I know they don’t look good as I only spent 1min on them XD

Doll

Link

I outlined this and colored it but the coloring is crappy..It's supposed to be me anime style XP

I outlined this and colored it but the coloring is crappy..It’s supposed to be me anime style XP

This I did in fact color (Very quickly) It's Sailor Moon Peeking out from Earth :3

This I did in fact color (Very quickly) It’s Sailor Moon Peeking out from Earth :3